Monday, August 29, 2011

We're real people... who screw up sometimes

Something happened in our raid last Thursday night and I couldn’t quite decide whether I should blog about it. But after thinking about it a bit, I decided I need to. Not only to give others some insight into how I see things or what I think, but also because writing it out always helps me to better understand what I think or feel about something.

So long story short, Jess and I screwed up… again. We had Part Two of Jess and K Fight on Vent (if you remember, Part One was during Cho’gall a couple months back). We then proceeded to wipe horribly on Rhyolith, a boss that we’ve killed before. I know that our fight affected the mood and thus the performance of the rest of the raid. And I know and readily admit that Jess and I did not handle things the best way and we need to find a way to change it.

But I will also say this in reference to Jess and I. And while I don’t pretend to speak on the behalf of every single GM and RL, I believe that what I have to say applies to them as well. We are human. We are real people. We thus react to things and situations, situations that affect us for the better or worse. We have our own issues and personality quirks that sometimes clash with each other. And sometimes (even often) we screw up. We aren’t stone statues who lead the guild and run raids in a vacuum without being affected by anything. Have I mentioned that we are real people?

Jess and I talked this weekend about what it means to run the guild and run our raids. Because we are real people, sometimes we can be in a particularly shitty or sensitive mood. And while you may be able to tell when a raider is in a shitty mood during the raid, it’s different when it comes to the RL or GM. When you’re running the raid, your behavior has a larger impact. As Jess said, our behavior is more on display, thus its different for us by virtue of being the leadership.

I’m not trying to excuse our behavior on Thursday night because clearly Jess and I need to work on communicating better and not taking things public. I need to try to be more clear (which is hard when I call most things by the wrong name or just add a “–y thing” to it, such as “freezy thing” or “marky thing” or “sparky thing”) and perhaps be more patient and not shut down (Jess says I should just be nicer to him). So while Jess and I recognize our issues and we have talked about how we could do things better, I guess I just wanted to highlight some other things I’ve thought about.

Ultimately though things did work out. The kids were worried that mom and dad might get divorced, but I explained to them that we went to counseling on Friday and that all was good. We also went in last night and proceeded to one shot Rhy. AND not only that but Rhy dropped the chest piece I was drooling over so now I am one drop closer to my pally arch nemesis Lorosia. And what could be better news than that?


  1. This is one of the things I found so horribly frustrating as a guild and raid leader. We are just as human as everyone else - to our detriment at times. We make bad calls, have off nights, get frustrated on occasion and snap, etc and so forth.

    Having to hear about a moment of "being human" for two weeks plus after apologizing for it is... well, frustrating doesn't quite cover it but we'll use that. To add even more, we were expected to overlook anyone else's mistakes/off nights.

  2. It's always tough - and tense/awkward - when officers or leaders clash, especially the "guild mom and dad" such as in your case. But I think the fact that this wasn't an issue that stewed unresolved, but rather one that you and Jess quickly worked, speaks leagues about the healthy relationship your guild has with its members and leaders. And no one expects the leaders to be perfect. We're all human, we get frustrated, have bad nights, and all that.

    I know in my guild, two of our leaders are best friends IRL and sometimes they clash or just aren't cooperating very well on some nights. Usually what happens is one (or both) just step back from a vocal role, and let one of the other leaders step in and keep things going. This way they can take a breath and relax, and not get worked up to the point of genuine anger. This way, by the time raid ends everyone is usually fine and tempers have settled, or if there is anything that needs to be resolved everyone has had a bit of time to calm down.

    It sounds like you did a great job of assuring the kids that everything is fine ;) and I am sure they realized it was just a spat and not a legitimate serious fight. :D

  3. Yes,everyone can stress and clash at times... what matters is that we are all grown-ups and when it's said and done... it IS done. :)

    and you are still doing better than me on Kay... STILL no drops! I have been reduced to mentioning to friends in other guilds that if they happen to get one of these BoE drops, I'm in the market... ::sigh::

  4. I think the fact that you recognize that such flare-ups are potentially "bad times" for the rest of your raid team speaks volumes about you and Jess handle yourselves. Bad nights and even snarky moments happen, sometimes in the worst of situations, but taking action and communicating about the flare-ups is a great thing! <3

  5. "..Usually what happens is one (or both) just step back from a vocal role"

    very good advice, indeed. I've been 'guild mom' in my own guild for a few years and while 'guild dad' is a good friend of mine IRL too, we would sometime disagree of course - but then, we were rather absolute in never letting the raiders see. there's officer chat and there's such a thing as discussing things after the raid (we had our heated discussions there). it's good to always remember that nothing is ever important enough to start an argument in the middle of the raid, really nothing. :) even if quite often, this is much easier to see in retrospective.
    so, if you need to, just go quiet and "delegate the night" to the other person. unity is such a crucial aspect of a leading team - and most of the time your guildies will misunderstand and possibly over-estimate the gravity of your argument.

    Yet, I second Windsoar here as well; if you perceive your issues and work on them, that's what really counts. we are all human and we have our moments!

  6. @youyankit: Aw I'm sorry about that! But really if you've been apologizing continually apologizing for two weeks, it's way way way past due for them to accept your apology and drop it.

    @Rades: Great advice Rades! And yeah, I think the kids knew we weren't getting divorced for real. Especially since a number of them have seen how Jess and I interact IRL during Clawcons.

    Part of why Jess and I can get to arguing the way that we do is probably a reflection of how well we really know each other. It takes someone you know really well and feel comfortable with to be able to argue to that point and still know that your relationship will be intact.

    @Kayeri: Awww here's to hoping my new found luck with drops starts rubbing off on you!

    @Windsoar: Yeah... I don't think that Jess and I talked too much post Part One. Thus we had Part Two. I'm hoping now that we've explained to each other enough about what upset each of us, as well as what we may need in such situations to prevent a Part Three.

    But we did also talk about the fact that yes, even though we are human, our behavior affects the raid differently. As Jess said, leadership hard.

    @Syl: Great advice as well! And yeah, I do think others can overestimate the gravity of our arguments. Because Jess and I are pretty good about disagreeing about a lot of things. :p

    But you're totally right, unity is a crucial aspect. I know that Jess and I will not only disagree but fight again. But one thing I hope we've learned is to not bring it on vent.

  7. I always seem to miss when Mommy and Daddy are fighting (first time due to deployment, this time due to Irene). From what I hear, maybe I should count myself lucky.

    What's that, you say? "Hush up and go back to getting Bruenok geared!"? Yes ma'am. =)

  8. Why is it, if everything is okay, that I see Jess trolling the Casual Encounters area of Craigslist?

  9. You're just mad he didn't select your profile, Nik. Really, this petty jealous-posessive thing is getting out of hand.